


Love Feels Like Loneliness

by imjaebumism



Category: GOT7
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Angst, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Minor Character Death, Soulmate-Identifying Timers, and that's what the timer counts down to, theres a time limit to your soulmate
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-01-07
Updated: 2017-01-08
Packaged: 2018-09-15 12:44:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 12,603
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9235733
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/imjaebumism/pseuds/imjaebumism
Summary: Read This:Let it be known that this isn't a love story. In fact, there aren't many characters in this story that are truly even happy. It's a lesson of sorts, a lesson that love personified is a fickle being, possessive, envious, but most importantly it's mortal. It grows old and shriveled, small and frail, breakable.In a world where 'nothing lasts forever' is a saying most people live by, it's time to accept that love isn't the exception.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> We have to hurt in order to know, fall in order to grow, lose in order to gain, because all of life's lessons are taught through pain.
> 
> -origin unknown

**January 2017**

It hurts more when you try to stay away.

It's like a nagging burn, like the ones that occur after you've taken a sip of water and it's gone down the wrong pipe. Or when you've accidentally held a match for too long while trying to light a candle, the flame licking at your fingers, singeing the skin there. The only difference lies within the fact that those two examples are transient- they don't last forever. Just a moment, a second or two until you've thought about something else, the pain fleeting.

With this, you never forget. It never falls to the back of your mind, never leaves your thoughts. The pain is a constant reminder that you're denying yourself fleeing moments of happiness- even as you know the ending will bring about the worst pain imaginable, that someone will come out of it broken beyond repair.

You can't fight it, though. It hurts more when you try to- completely tears you apart, turns you inside out- it's like you've lost everything but this time you're losing something you don't know you had- you've never had time to miss it so you feel hollow and spent and completely used and ran over but you have no idea why.

Jackson had tried to deny it- tried and true to his everlasting beliefs that want was in the mind of the beholder and that all he had to do was not want in order to survive the excruciating jabs whenever he looked at the stagnant numbers on his wrist. Jaebum tried too, if only for Jackson's sake, but it didn't work, of course it didn't work.

That's how they found themselves before each other, standing and staring at each other, completely entranced by their mutual presence and understanding that they were crossing the point of no return soon and wondering how ready the other was without saying a word.

It’s been too long, been way too hard, harder than they thought it would be to stay away. Time is but a frozen number on each of their wrists and they have to make a decision. They have to decide if they should stop staving off the inevitable and give into the beautiful destruction that will mean ultimate damnation for one of them or they could ignore the longing, the pain, the chance at happiness that they will never again experience with anybody else and live lonely but alive- apart.

So they’re standing and they’re staring and they’re in the middle of a busy street, blocking pedestrian traffic, having faceless bodies go around them to avoid starting something they can’t take back. Jackson’s waiting for Jaebum to be ready and Jaebum is waiting for Jackson to be ready and its the most nerve-wracking thing either of them have ever had to do and theres no way out of this but diving headfirst in. Falling in love: the greatest paradox this world has ever seen.

Jackson is the first to take a step forward, shortening the distance between them, his hand reaching out. He’s tired of the pain, the endless static, he’s over it- tired of living like he’s only got half a life and nothing more to live for. He’s aching to know what it feels like to be loved, to feel wanted, to have purpose, even with the possibility that it might all be ripped away in a moment’s notice, time hanging over his head like the blade of a guillotine.

Jaebum hesitates only for a second until he’s stepping forward too, the space between them negligible as he reaches his one hand out and right before their fingers touch it’s like Jaebum’s have grown a mind of their own and they’re drawn to Jackson’s their finger’s intertwining, skin touching, sending twin shocks up the other’s arm. Just like that the static stops, their axis’ align, chemicals react and it’s like everything bad in their world ceased to exist and it feels like nothing in the world was ever significant before this moment.

Their numbers start counting down.

-

The whole prospect is pretty chilling, the moment you meet your soulmate, a timer appears on your wrist and its frozen- just numbers but they’re not moving. It isn't until you touch your soulmate that the numbers come to life, start counting down to the moment you lose them.

Sometimes its easy. But that's the exception, there's people who get an ample ample amount of time with their soulmate. Enough to grow old with them, never know what it's like to lose them.

Jackson has heard stories of whirlwind soulmate couples that simply grew apart by the time their timer stopped at zero. They explain their experiences together as the best times of their lives, no derision in their tone as they thought and looked back on the past, no hard feelings, they loved each other for a while and then they just stopped… felt nothing.

Most of the time it's tragic. You or your soulmate die by the time the timer ends, there's no avoiding it. Once the delicate nude colored numbers reach their final moments, one of the two are dead and the other on is emotionally gutted, left to scour the earth with the helplessness and solidarity of an ex-lover lost.

Though you never really knew which one you would get, Jackson was afraid of them both.

Him and Jaebum don't have much time together. When compared to his 24 years, the time on his wrist is negligible and he stares at them sometimes, watching them count down, every second closer to the end than the last, every moment passing one that they could never get back.

_9,496 hours, 52 minutes, 32 seconds... 31... 30... 29..._

Seems like a lot. A ton of time- to Jackson it feels more like a ticking time bomb.

"Hey, Chinese is here." Jaebum's voice comes through the door and Jackson lifts his head up from the bed to look at him, taking in his dark hair, pale skin, narrow eyes. From as far as he is he can't see the two moles that dot the top of his left eye by his eyebrow but he knows they're there because he's done nothing at night but fall asleep rubbing them with gentle fingers.

Jackson gets up, following Jaebum's trail into the kitchen, sitting at the counter beside him, their legs touching from their thighs to their knees. He grabs one of the cartons Jaebum had laid out all over the counter and pours some of the chicken that's in there on his plate before grabbing another and doing the same. He does that until he's got a little bit of everything on his plate, his chopsticks filled with every flavor they've got and he licks at them before he starts to eat. His cheeks are full with jajangmyun and a piece of sweet and sour pork when he looks over and finds Jaebum's soft eyes accompanied but an ever softer smile aimed right at him as his own food stays empty and spotless before him.

"What?" Jackson asks, chewing on his food before swallowing.

Jaebum shakes his head, reaching over to wipe at the corner of Jackson's mouth, thumb going in between his own lip as he swallows the jajangmyun sauce that Jackson had managed to get everywhere before busying himself by getting his own plate made. "Nothing. You're just insanely adorable. I don't know how to handle it sometimes."

Jackson chuckles, picking up more noodles with his chopsticks and stuffing his cheeks with it, "if I'm so adorable with my face stuffed like a chipmunk while I'm eating, I wonder what I could get you to do for me after doing some aegyo."

"You don't have to do aegyo to get me to do things for you. Probably end up doing it anyway." Jaebum shrugs, and Jackson wonders how the man managed to look sexy while fucking chewing. Completely unfair.

"Mmh, didn't know I got my own Prince Charming when I signed up for this thing." Muses Jackson, reaching for the pile of napkins and grabbing one to wipe at his mouth with. "You ever gonna get my glass slipper to me? Lost it awhile ago."

Jaebum chuckles, wiping at his mouth with his own napkin. "Sorry- Jinyoung broke it actually. Couldn't even get his toes in."

"You went to Jinyoung before me?"

"I see him everyday, I had to try him at some point." Jaebum shrugs and Jackson narrows his eyes at his plate, grumbling under his breath. "Jealous?"

"A little." Jackson mumbles around a piece of pork.

Jaebum hums and Jackson watches from the corner of his eye as Jaebum places his chopsticks down and turns on his stool to face Jaebum, his hand reaching for Jackson's cheek, gently turning Jackson's face towards him. Jackson goes willingly, their dark eyes meeting and causing a vortex between them that Jackson can't look away from even if he wanted to. "You don't ever have to be jealous, Jackson. I'm yours."

"I know." Jackson says, losing his defiance in Jaebum's gaze, his voice small.

"Do you?" Jaebum says again, sounding a bit serious for a moment that started off light and airy and all jackson could do is nod as Jaebum leans into his space, breath on grazing past his lips right before Jaebum's pushing his lips against Jackson's, silencing him and his thoughts in the most effective way Jacksons ever witnessed, the way drugs or silence or anything else never did. Jaebum had a way with Jackson that Jackson could never really question or understand and he just melts as Jaebum's lips move against his, the taste of Chinese food on his tongue as they meet in the middle, electricity sizzling and sparking between them.

When Jaebum pulls away, it's not far enough that Jackson misses the warmth but he has to force himself to not chase after the phantom feeling of lips on his and a tongue pushing against his own, the sharing of breaths, tangling of fingers. He doesn't have to give it up just yet and that's all that keeps him going. That simple thought.

"I do. I know, Jaebum." Jackson nods hand reaching for Jaebum's hand, bringing it down to his lap so they're out of the way and he could eat and so could Jaebum without losing the touch or it being too awkward. "I'm yours too."

Jaebum doesn't say anything but Jackson doesn't have to hear him say it. He knows, that much is obvious.

-

It's hard for them to separate, even for work where they know for certain that they'll come together again at the end of the day, that after a couple of hours apart, they'll have the whole night together.

"See you later?" Jaebum asks even though he doesn't have to. They've been standing in the bedroom, dressed for the day, Jaebum in his tailored suit and crisp white button down, Jackson with his slacks and equally as crisp shirt smelling of sprayable starch and his favorite cologne... which also happens to be the one that Jaebum wears everyday. Color him obsessed, he doesn't care.

"Yeah. Don't miss me too much." Jackson mumbles, running his fingers through Jaebum's hair to make the quiff a bit more effortless looking, more 'I woke up like this.' The numbers on his wrist flash at him but he doesn't pay them any mind.

"Pretty much impossible." Jaebum hums, leaning down the two inches he has on Jackson to press their lips together, tongue immediately entering Jackson's mouth and Jackson doesn't even fight it, he doesn't know how. He kisses Jaebum back, fingers in Jaebum's hair and body lining up with his as they come together- the force between them, pulling them together is completely unstoppable and they have to tear apart from each other before they get too carried away and it manifests in Jackson's heart like an ache, dull but persistant.

"See you." Jackson breathes, looking down at Jaebum's chest and stepping away from the man, hands falling to his side.

"Bye." Jaebum waves and Jackson hates the sound of that word, hates it so much that it burns once it enters his ears and he has to collect himself after a flinch takes him by surprise. "Sorry. I'm sorry, baby I know you hate that. See you, okay?"

"Yeah. Go before I keep you here and get us fired." Jackson says, attempting to joke, but separating today is harder on him now than it's been since this started and he doesn't know why but it doesn't really matter. They have later.

Jaebum smiles, blinding like the sun, working to warm up Jackson from his core and have him feel as whole as he can without Jaebum touching him.

Then he's gone and Jackson's alone and he looks around the room, remnants of clothes on the floor from when they'd been getting ready, the air still smells moist and warm from the shower and Jackson rubs his chest at the emptiness that finds a home there whenever Jaebum isn't around as he leaves the room to put on his shoes and jacket in the foyer. He turns off the light as he leaves the apartment.

-

"How's _Jackbum_ going?" Mark asks during lunch, a lunch that mostly involved Jackson tossing around his salad with his fork and Mark throwing inquisitive question after inquisitive question as a filler for their silence.

Jackson smiles if only just at the mention of Jaebum, his heart soaring a bit with it. He scratches at his wrist. "Good. It's different, than I thought it'd be."

"How'd you think it would be?" Mark continues with his questions, chewing on his leafy greens doused in too much ranch and crunchy croutons.

"I thought it'd be sad, you know? Like I'd constantly be aware that time is passing and that this isn't forever but- when we're together I'm so stuck on how perfect he is, how the moments just kind of blend together, how good we are as a thing and I just- I forget everything and it's just easy? You know?" He bites his tongue right as he says that, eyes jumping over to Mark's, an apology stifled at the inside of his cheek as he waits for a reaction from him.

Mark seems put off but not sad or repentive like Jackson thought he'd be. Mark's numbers have long since counted down to zero on his wrist but his soulmate didn't die. They'd been one of the couples that just grew apart, whirlwind to nothing so quick that they barely had the time to think about forgetting the other until they just did. Sometimes Jackson thinks that's sadder than just losing them completely- but what does he know?

"Yeah. It's easy to get caught up in all of it when they're right in front of you. I remember that much." Mark says softly his smile wry, "but you don't have to think about it when you're together. Why would you? The best times of your life are happening right in the moment. I wouldn't advise you think of what you can't help." Mark shrugs, looking down at his food.

"Yeah- exactly." Jackson sighs, poking at a carrot. "How's Jinyoung?"

"Good- I guess." Mark pairs his words with a shrug, leaning his cheek onto one of his hands, elbows bent on the table. Jackson didn't know Mark before his soulmate, has only ever known this version of him, the one who seems like half of himself had been carved out and left out in the cold too long, frostbitten and deemed useless and now here the vessel was, completely drawn and utterly empty. He sometimes wonders what Mark was like before, if he smiled more, joked more, cared more, wonders how Mark's eyes looked without that sort of hollowed out look in his eyes, like he was more empty than substance on the inside, but it makes him sad when he thinks about it too hard so he just stops and goes back to memorizing the way Jaebum's nose twitches every two minutes when he sleeps. "He doesn't really talk to me."

Jinyoung was another one who's soulmate had come and gone, leaving him too young with so much of his life left to live, doomed to live it feeling nearly nothing. Mark and Jinyoung had found each other and worked out a partnership that wasn't anything like being with their soulmates had been, but was enough to dull the ache at times when it got to be unbearable, a truce of some sort. They knew that the other could never make them feel as whole as they once had but they were content enough with each other that they found reason to wake up everyday. Jackson thought it was good for them.

"I bet he wants to." Jackson offers, biting his lip, "he just doesn't know how to."

"It's been years, Jackson. I bet he just has nothing to say." Jackson watches as Mark takes a sip from his drink, dull eyes landing on Jackson, "that doesn't matter. Tell me more about you and Jaebum."

"I love him." Jackson says and that comes out as easy as breathing, as easy as laying down with Jaebum under the stars, their fingers tangled between them.

Mark's eyes soften and he offers Jackson a smile, "of course you do." He says, rolling his eyes.

Jackson bites his lip, putting his fork down and sighing. He doesn't know what more to say that won't bring that hollow look back into Mark's eyes so he divests himself of the subject, choosing to change it up all together, "so have you tried the new Halo yet? I'm stuck on this one part."

**February 2017**

This is the first Valentine's Day Jackson's spent as a couple of anything but he doesn't expect much as he takes the stairs two at a time, eager to see Jaebum again even though it's only been a few hours.

"Jaebum! I brought pizza and stole Jinyoung's Netflix log in. Where-" he pushes the door open with his foot and he's struck silent by what he finds in their apartment. The lights are dimmed in setting, leaving the living room/dining room/kitchen shrouded in it flickering with candle lights that are placed strategically on odd surfaces. He suddenly feels like a nub for having nothing more to offer than a large pizza and Mean Girls as he closes the door and walks further into their home. "Jaebum?"

"Hey, you." Jaebum's voice comes from their room and he materializes from the door, grin on his face, arms open as he walks forward and envelopes Jackson in a hug that warms him up from the outside in all the way down to his core.

"Hi. I brought pizza." Jackson mumbles, leaning his cheek against Jaebum's chest.

"Good. I'd planned a small cooking session but it's probably best that you stay away from the stove." Jaebum jokes, pulling back, palm finding Jacksons cheek as he leans down and kisses him, lips so so soft. He takes the pizza as he pulls away, bringing to to the couch, "lets skip right to the part where I've stolen Jinyoung's Netflix password so we could watch Romeo and Juliet. 'Tis the season." Jackson kicks off his shoes, hanging his coat up on one of the pegs by the door and walking to sit by Jaebum on the couch.

"How'd you end up reading my mind?" Jackson asks, getting comfortable.

"Magic." Jaebum whispers, taking Jackson in under his arm and pulling him close as they lounge against each other on the couch, Jackson's feet curled up at his side.

"Why Romeo and Juliet?"

"It's Valentine's Day and what goes better with chocolates and candles than a tragic love story?"

Jackson rolls his eyes, snuggling deeper into Jaebum's warmth as he starts the movie, "I'd barely call Romeo and Juliet a love story."

"What would you call it?"

"A nightmare? A girl too young for her own good falls into the clutches of an older boy and believes they're meant to be and in love within moments of knowing each other. Then they die."

"Maybe they were soulmates. Maybe they couldn't help but fall in love with one another and when one of them died, as was destined, the other decided that they couldn't be without their other half and they had no other choice but to end their own life too. I think that's romantic."

"Romance is a social construct." Jackson says, eyes trained to the tv as they watch Claire Danes and Leonardo DiCaprio swirl around on the screen in very colorful dresses, masks and tailored suits, that look too perfect. He grins because he knows how he sounds when he says that and it's fucking hilarious coming from him. Rich even.

"Right," Jaebum chuckles arm moving to go around Jackson and hold him close, surrounded in warmth, "let's just go with that, then."

They're silent after that, finishing up the movie and Jackson doesn't feel anything the entire time, he barely pays attention to the screen. He finds that it's easy to ignore the world and time passing when Jaebum is with him, when he's curled up against him, in his arms, feeling whole. He never wants it to stop and he knows that it has to but he could pretend and he'll keep pretending until his heart stops beating or his time runs out.

"You didn't fall asleep on me, did you?" Jaebum's deep voice asks, rumbling against Jackson's ear that's placed right on his chest.

"Nope. Just- being." Jackson replies looking up to meet Jaebum's dark eyes with his own, drowning in the sparkling obsidian orbs.

Jaebum smiles, hand reaching up to rest against Jackson's cheek the pads of his fingers soft as they burn a trail to the back of Jackson's neck and he leans down and Jackson angles his neck to meet the kiss that Jaebum presses there, kissing him back automatically, completely instinctual.

Jackson doesn't know why it happens but it always seems as if kissing Jaebum is something Jackson never has to think too much about, it's always his body simply responding to movements Jaebum's makes before he's even made them, like his mind turns off and is rendered useless in his head. He welcomes the surrender of power, the lack of thoughts running through his head, the lack of preamble in the way he completely gives himself to Jaebum and he doesn't feel unsafe or lost or less of himself, in fact it's the exact opposite.

There's a crick developing in his neck so he pushes himself up and turns in Jaebum's lap, their kiss breaking just for a few seconds but they feel like an eternity and he rushes to reattach them, his mouth falling open, welcoming Jaebum's tongue. The atmosphere surrounding the between them with every brush of their tongues past the other's and Jackson's fingers are in Jaebum's hair, tugging at the strands while Jaebum's hands light a fire under Jackson's skin as they glide under his shirt.

He's listless, hips moving and grinding down against Jaebum's and it's hopeless for him to deny the trajectory of their actions as they pull away to breathe and Jaebum's lips find a spot to mark up with his tongue and teeth right above Jackson's collarbone.

"Do you want to?" Jaebum asks, voice deepened by the moment, smoky and beautiful and it goes straight to Jackson's core, shakes him up inside.

"Yeah." Jackson nods, hands at Jaebum's neck as he pulls him back and leans down to press their lips back together, kisses desperate. He wants so so much. "Yeah, I do. You?"

Jaebum swallows once and their eyes meet, they're close enough that they're sharing air for each of their breaths and Jaebum smiles, hands at Jackson's hips lifting as he shoves Jackson off of him gently to get them both standing up, their fingers tangled together as Jaebum pushes at Jackson's floppy hair with the wayward strands. "Come on."

-

Their room is all decked out too, with rose petals and electric candles flickering and Jackson laughs the moment he walks in, "thought you'd be getting lucky tonight, huh?" He jokes, looking up at Jaebum, eyes alight with the artificial orange glow and the lightness the atmosphere is made up of now, airy, carefree.

"Hoped so?" Jaebum says and he's grinning cheekily and Jackson wants nothing more to kiss him senseless so he does.

They kiss and kiss, clothes falling away skin heating up and sending sparks of intimacy and fire between them as they tug and pull in an attempt to get closer to each other, as close as they possibly could get without falling into each other too completely. But don't underestimate, if they could- they would.

Jackson's blood is like pulsing liquid nitrogen through his veins, he's freezing and burning all at the same time as he lies under Jaebum, his lips bruised from all the kissing. He's probably got a dozen red spots all around his neck from Jaebum's relentless need to mark Jackson up over and over for no other reason but just wanting what he wanted and not having the self restraint to not do it. Jackson grasps at the sheets of their bed as Jaebum's kisses start going lower and lower until he's taking Jackson into his mouth at peak hardness, mouth enveloping him in warmth and bringing tears to his eyes with how reverently he's being touched, like he's the most precious thing that Jaebum's ever been worthy of touching, like he's worth way more than he's ever felt before.

He closes his eyes and thrashes as Jaebum works his tongue and his fingers breach Jackson's entrance with the lube that they had in their nightstand but never got around to using until right now. It's enough to want in this moment because they'll get everything when it's just each other, when they just want each other. Jackson nearly sobs as his orgasm draws closer but Jaebum pulls away and his warmth is taken back so quickly that Jackson balks with it, aching to have him back, have his weight back on Jackson's body, wrapped around him, lungs taking his breaths and he has that back within seconds.

"You ready?" Jaebum breathes between their kisses where Jackson could taste Jaebum on his tongue, familiar and warm but also recognizes something deeper, muskier and he knows that it's himself that he's tasting and that just makes him want all the more.

Jackson just nods, doesn't trust his voice enough to say anything without it breaking or a whine accompanying his words and he just hopes that it comes across that he's happy and he's dying to have Jaebum inside of him, splitting him apart, turning him inside out. He wants for it so bad, has never wanted for anything so much ever before and he hopes that Jaebum knows that without him having to say it.

He doesn't have to say anything. He doesn't have to let Jaebum know how much he wants him because Jaebum knows, he could tell by the way that Jaebum's teasing him, with his tongue with his fingers with his touches, trying to pry as much out of Jackson as he could and keeping it sizzling and fiery between them.

Jaebum gives him every thing he wants for and more, everything the he's asked for with his body, everything he's unable to put into words, everything he didn't know he wanted.

It's magical, as perfect as they've been the past month and a half and Jaebum feels like he fits so easily with Jackson, lock and key, made for each other and Jackson continues to pretend he never has to give this up as he comes to the brink with Jaebum's name on the tip of his tongue.

-

Jackson's been fighting with sleep for the past couple of hours and Jaebum's fingers running up and down his back aren't helping the heaviness of his eyelids.

"Sometimes I have this dream." Jaebum says quietly and Jackson forces his eyes to open as he angles his head on the pillow, hand flat on Jaebum's chest. He could feel Jaebum's heart beating through his fingers, "it pushes that entire Prince Charming thing you have when it comes to me."

Jackson chuckles gently, body barely jostling, "what happens in this dream? I better not be the damsel in distress."

"You are," Jackson simply imagines the smirk on Jaebum's lips at that, his eyes falling shut, "there's this dragon-"

"Like in Shrek?"

"Uh huh. And it guards the tower that you're being held captive in, breathes fire with ginormous wings that actually work and it's completely surreal because I've been given the task to rescue you due to my undying love, though I have yet to meet you." Jaebum continues, his fingers are in Jackson's hair now, gently running through the dark strands, thumb at his jaw as he caresses the spot there.

"Did you drink too much milk before your bed time that night?"

"Milk?"

"Milk has the ability to induce hallucinations and more eccentric dreaming patterns than usual." Jackson grumbles.

"You literally just pulled that out of your ass."

"Among other things." Jackson hums, wiggling his eyebrows tiredly and he smiles when Jaebum chuckles.

"Shut up."

"Make me." He eats his own words when Jaebum's kissing him, lips soft and insistent against his, tongue sweet and intoxicating.

"Anyways," Jaebum breathes when he's succeeded in beating Jackson to a pliant submission with his kiss, "I attack the dragon, single handedly might I add, and I find a way to beat it down enough so that I make it to your tower, find your room and you're in there looking all damsel in distress-y and once I push open the door I've got you in my arms, kissing me and thanking me for my heroism and professing your love to me."

"Way too much milk." Jackson mumbles and he finds it in himself to open his eyes and watch Jaebum's blinding smile. It's the middle of the night, the room dark and desolate and Jaebum is the brightest thing in there.

"Anyways, I take you out of the tower and we're almost out of the grounds when the dragon reappears. It wasn't dead, just stunned and it's ready for another fight but I'm too tired and drawn to fight it again and win. But I tell you to run because all you have to do is go out of the door and you're free-,"

"Idiot."

"But you don't run."

"See? Even dream me is smarter than you."

"In fact, you take my sword and defeat the dragon all by yourself and then you take me off of the grounds and we walk and walk and walk together and then I woke up." Jaebum ends his little story and all Jackson can do is offer a chuckle of disbelief, "so I saved you."

"And then I saved you back?" Jackson adds, breaths growing heavy.

"Yeah. And that's like- that's love isn't it? You count on me, I count on you. After I save you, you save me right back. That's beautiful isn't it?"

Jackson sighs, pulling himself closer to close the minute chasm between them as he lets sleep tug on him harder than before, curling up against Jaebum and closing his eyes. His mind is thinking about it though, analyzing Jaebum's words, his story. Wondering if that's what love is, being saved by someone just to save them right back. Give and take, balance, sharing- it makes sense and Jackson's never bought into love before he met Jaebum and he's sure that after Jaebum, he'll go back to thinking it's a myth, that his time with Jaebum was a part of one of his most repressed dreams that he allowed himself to live out until the end. So he finds a home at Jaebum's side, in his arms, "it is beautiful, Jaebum. It really is." 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I feel worse when I'm not with you, too." Jinyoung says, there's still a waver in his voice and the breath he lets out later quivers but Mark just holds him closer. It's the closest thing to 'I love you' they'll ever get. You make me strong. Mark will take it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "I'm sorry if I say I need you, but I don't care I'm not scared of love. Because when I'm not with you I'm weaker, is it so wrong that you make me strong?"
> 
> -Strong by One Direction

**March 2017**

Silence isn't an anomaly between Mark and Jinyoung but it's been years and Mark still hasn't found a good way to take it. He doesn't know what it's like, having someone he loved die, he has his parents, his siblings. Even his soulmate is alive and well somewhere, living her life and Mark admits to finding comfort in that at times, that at least she isn't buried twenty feet under the ground, ashes in a box.

So he's never taken the time to understand that side of it, knows that he has no place to ask Jinyoung about it, knows that he shouldn't wonder why Jinyoung isn't over it yet. He understands enough to know that one doesn't simply get over watching the one person you'll ever love die, so, he accepts Jinyoung's silence as a part of him that manifests as it does now, as a part of his grievances and in remembrance of his lost love.

Mark didn't know Youngjae. He didn't know Jinyoung when Jinyoung had Youngjae. All he's had is this empty vessel, desolate shell that wanders around half dead and never fully alive and he's not so much okay with it as he's learned to accept it and he knows that he isn't better off. Because he knows just as Jinyoung will never feel for him what he had with Youngjae, Mark would never feel for Jinyoung what he did for Jessica and that with all starts the beginning of their similarities.

There's a lot of himself in Jinyoung, he notices their common ground every time their together, just observes and jots down how they're alike and where they differ. They work so well because they're both quiet, they're both drawn and intuitive and hopeless against the pull of wanting something that they can't have so simply falling into it together, finding comfort and warmth whenever they feel unbearably frigid and alone. It's companionship at the finest, Mark is there whenever work for Jinyoung becomes too overwhelming with the deadlines and incessant critiques from his editors, he's there offering words of validation and comfort and assuring Jinyoung that his writing is just as great as it always is, works in pulling him out of his own self destructive head and helping him to see the perfection that Mark sees, in him, in his work and it almost always helps.

Jinyoung is there whenever Mark feels reality too strongly. Mark has a habit of internalizing things to a fault. He'll internalize everything, happiness, pain, fear, he's always too caught up in other people to worry too much about himself, giving himself away and saving himself for last, constantly pushing himself down, down and further still.

He's never liked putting too much importance in himself, always feels like others deserve his attention more than he does his own and he notices where his logic seems broken but with all the siblings he grew up with and with him falling right in the middle, it just always felt right. Jinyoung worked to pull Mark out of himself for a bit, take the world and turn it back around for Mark to look at himself and offer him his own form of comfort where he gives Mark his time and attention and leaves him with no other option but to look at himself objectively and with no other regard.

It's at that time their silences are the hardest, because it's difficult enough for Mark to look after himself on his own but when Jinyoung's adding to it it grows infinitely harder.

"What are you up to later?" Jinyoung asks after coming out of Mark's bedroom, freshly showered and working to button up the wrists of his button up shirt, his hair is still wet.

"Nothing. Are you coming back here?" Mark follows up, pouring a second cup of coffee out for Jinyoung and walking into the living room to hand it to him once he's all primped and proper. "I could order pizza."

"Yes because Mark Tuan is too good for cooking." Jinyoung takes the cup and smiles but it's wry and it feels like it's too hard for him to stretch it further, make it feel more natural or real. Mark's used to that.

"Hey, we've tried that before and I thought we agreed once was enough." Mark chides, walking back into the kitchen to grab the toast from the toaster and butter from the fridge. He wasn't too big on breakfast but he'd skipped dinner last night working on a Macro late at the office and just crawling into his bed right next to Jinyoung once he got home. "So are you coming?"

"Yeah." Replies Jinyoung leaning against the counter next to where Mark was lathering the toast slices with butter, "I have to stop by my apartment to get some clothes but I'll be here by the time you get back."

"Good." Mark smiles and Jinyoung smiles back but it crumbles just as quickly and he's back to that impassive expression that he keeps up for everyday purposes. "Here," Mark slides a plate over with two slices on it and Jinyoung picks one up, biting down on it noisily.

"Thanks."

"You're welcome."

-

It's Jackson's birthday.

He's never been one for surprises so Jinyoung, Jaebum and Mark don't plan one. It's just a small get together, topped off with a cake that Jinyoung spent all night baking- Mark wasn't allowed to do anything but place the premade sugar letters in place because he has better stability in his hand and could place them in a straight line better than Jinyoung- with Mark keeping him company otherwise. They spoke of nothing and everything and joked as much as they could, got a good amount of icing on each other and their clothes.

Let it be mentioned that it only took all night because Mark was the first to get icing in Jinyoung's hair and Jinyoung took revenge by wiping some all over Mark's favorite jeans and he had to take them off and Jinyoung's punishment was having to watch Mark get him ingredients with no pants on and let's just say shit got a little bit carried away.

They got a local restaurant to cater it as nobody in their friend circle was able to cook anything without burning the water used to boil it.

Everything was set up at Jinyoung's apartment and Jinyoung was playing the part of perfect host, fluttering from huddle of people talking to huddle of people eating to huddle of people drinking and leaving Jackson and Jaebum to be them in the corner. Everybody thought it best to leave them to themselves as often as possible, knowing what it was like to be in the position they were in before everything went to shit and they would never be the same again.

"Are you drunk yet?" Yugyeom asks as he takes the empty seat next to Mark on the couch, his own drink in hand. Yugyeom was a friend of Jackson's and Mark's from work- he'd been friends with Jackson before Mark, actually, but the kid was smart and Mark had spent too many late nights with him in the office agonizing over broken codes for macros to not call him a close companion over the years.

"Sadly? No." Mark sighs, downing what was left of his drink and placing the cup on the side table by his arm, next to the lamp.

"You always hate parties."

"I hate people. And people come to parties- too much of them. So I only hate parties by extension." God he needed another drink.

Yugyeom hums, sipping at his own drink and laughing when he catches Mark's envious glare. He quickly hands over the cup of red colored liquid to Mark and shakes his head, a smile happier than Mark's seen for anyone else in a while on his lips. That was probably another reason he liked Yugyeom. He was a genuinely happy guy. He was bubbly and positive and hopeful and just completely unmarred by the ruthless realities in this life and Mark was addicted to his naivety and hoped that he'd never have to see the boy sad or angry. "Here, I'll just have Bambam bring me another one."

Mark's already swallowed down his, hissing as the hard liquor burns down his throat and placing that cup next to his last one, "make him get me one too."

"Sure, hyung." Yugyeom says, taking out his phone and texting Bambam. "So you just going to stay here all night?"

"That's the plan."

"Jaebum hyung and Jackson hyung seem happy." Yugyeom muses as he pockets his phone, leaning his head against the back of the couch and looking over to the corner Jackson and Jaebum haven't left since they got in here. They're leaning into each other, whispering on each other's ears and laughing and just taking advantage of every second they have together. Mark doesn't blame them.

"Anybody in their position would be as happy as they could possibly be." Mark replies and he looks away from their couple to see that Bambam's coming over, juggling three drinks in his gangly arms. He's dressed all chic and preppy like he usually is, high waisted slacks with a belt and baby blue button up shirt unbuttoned, tucked in with fancy shoes on that Mark wonders if he ever takes off and a dark choker contrasting his tan skin and pale grey hair. That boy was something else.

"How much time do they have?" Yugyeom asks softly and Mark purses his lips.

"A little over a year, I think."

"Hey party-poopers." Bambam annonces himself with his squeaky voice, handing Mark his drink, Yugyeom his, before promptly dropping himself onto Yugyeom's lap as both spots of the couch were taken over by their previous inhabitants. "Is this all you ever do at parties, Mark?"

"Basically." Mark answers, sipping at his drink. He doesn't know what it is but it's stronger than the last one. Bambam and Yugyeom were soulmates. But they were the golden pair of soulmates, found each other young and they had an ample amount of time on their hands, more than Mark and Jessica had and Mark had though 7 years was a lot. Yugyeom and Bambam would probably die before their timers ran out, the two truly meant to spend their lives together through thick and thin and Mark couldn't think of two people more worthy of the blessing. They were good together, partners in crime. They were friends above everything else and Mark liked seeing them together- the good side of this entire thing.

"You realize you're like, a walking storm cloud, right?" Bambam asks, tilting his head at Mark and sipping at his drink. Yugyeom's hand is resting on Bambam's thigh and one of Bambam's arms is thrown casually over Yugyeom's shoulder so that they're sitting closer than they seem and touching in more places than it looks like and Mark just offers them an imposter of a smile.

"Yeah, sorry." Mark shrugs, looking down at his cup and downing what was left of that too. The more alcohol he had in his system, the more numb he felt, detached, and the more numb he felt, the better he functioned as a human being. He gets up, picking up the three cups he's compiled because he knows Jinyoung would kill him if he just left them there and waves at the boys before making his way to the kitchen, the nearest beer calling his name. After placing the cups in the dishwasher, he finds a beer in the fridge, unscrewing it using his sweater as a buffer and chugging about half of it where he stands, he grabs another for the road and is about to leave when Jackson stops him at the entrance.

"Hey." Jackson says cheerily, smiling wide and genuine at Mark and Mark takes a picture of it in his head, files it away for later, when this is all gone and Jackson is left broken or isn't around anymore.

"Hi, man." He's actually surprised that Jaebum isn't attached to Jackson's hip and he looks up, catching Jaebum and Jinyoung talking to each other quietly in the living room and Mark looks down at the second beer in his hand, handing that to Jackson. "Here, birthday boy shouldn't not have a beer in his hand."

Jackson chuckles, taking it and tilting the bottle in thanks. He does the same, using the sleeve of his sweater to open it and taking a swig. "Thanks, man. For the birthday cake and everything."

"Yeah, I mean. It was mostly Jinyoung. You know how anal he gets with these things but he loved doing it- planning it all out." Mark shrugs drinking from his beer slowly and looking down.

"I could tell. You spelled "Saengil" wrong on the cake."

"Fuck, you know how I am with Korean." Mark chuckles, familiarly brittle and hollow, tinny even to his own ears and he can't hold up the smile.

"Jinyoung's going to kill you." Jackson jokes, leaning his shoulder against the double wide doorway of the kitchen.

"Yeah, I'd do well to hide from him wouldn't I?"

"You would," Jackson nods, looking down at his beer, "don't miss me blowing out the candles though."

Mark groans, already stepping away from Jackson, "I won't."

-

He misses Jackson blowing out his candles.

After grabbing another couple of beers from the fridge, Mark found his way through the apartment to Jinyoung's bedroom, rifling through the neatly folded clothes in Jinyoung's closet until he found the single cigarette that he hid away a three weeks ago between Jinyoung's canary yellow t-shirt and Mark's old high school shirt from back home in California.

Jinyoung's bedroom window is attached to a fire escape and the sounds of the party are muted from out there after he's crawled through and sat at the edge of it. It's a far fall down, and alcohol, Mark and fire escapes probably didn't make for a good match but he barely felt buzzed, he could still feel the edge of the ache in his hollow chest, pulsing cold blood through his veins, colder than the freshly turned spring air. It's still crisp, still smells of winter, it's clutches not letting go so soon.

There's not much of a view from out here so Mark just focuses on his feet, clad in shoes that he had gotten with Jinyoung a month ago when they went shopping together, putting the cigarette in his mouth but not lighting it.

He'd been trying to quit for a while now and he'd been good about it, hadn't had a smoke in about a month now and it'd be good for him, not relying on nicotine for that feeling of calm coming over his perpetually frayed edges. Jinyoung had been helping him quit too, coming up with a system where every time Mark felt the need to have a cigarette he would kiss Jinyoung instead and it worked for about two days, a weekend, and once work came around it was a little harder to run from responsibilities to keep on with a stupid transference of addiction so Mark had to make do for a while and it was going.

He wasn't going to light the cigarette. He didn't have a lighter on him and he didn't really feel the hankering he usually had for one, all he felt was a dull yearn that quieted by simply being offered the chance to do it if he wanted to. From where he's sitting he hears the faint sound of everybody in the house singing happy birthday at the top of their lungs, could pick out the individual voices of his friends, Jaebum's voice higher than Yugyeom's but only by about half of an octave, Bambam is positively screeching, the easiest to pick out of them all. Jinyoung is there too and Mark hears his voice the best if only because he's grown so accustomed to it, soft and deep and husky but on the quieter side. Reserved.

Sighing, Mark opens his third beer of the night, losing track of how many drinks in total he's guzzled down in an attempt to feel borderline normal again. He's all the way through that one, the cigarette moving from his mouth to situated right behind his ear as he opens a new one. The singing inside has long since ceased and the normal party noise, the chattering of the party guests commences, the music playlist that Jinyoung and him came up with one night when neither of them could sleep and that was the best way they could find to pass the time is playing softly in the background.

It's minutes, or it could be hours too- time stopped having meaning to Mark after a while, later that he hears the sound of the window behind him creaking open and he turns around just soon enough to see Jinyoung ducking through the space, their eyes meeting as he stands at the scape and moves to occupy the spot to Mark's right, his legs dangling off the edge.

"'Ssaengil', really?" Jinyoung says quietly, taking Mark's beer from his hand and having a swig.

"I told you not to make me in charge of spelling." Mark replies, just as quiet, kicking his feet back and forth.

"You've been MIA all night. Haven't caught a glimpse of you."

"It's been- um," Mark clears his throat, "parties are hard for me."

"I mean, I know you don't like people but, you've got friends in there too, you don't-,"

"Jessica liked them." Mark says and saying her name is like vomiting shards of glass and he feels it deeper than he's felt anything since they ended.

Jinyoung grows quiet at that and he's not looking at Mark just as Mark keeps his gaze away from Jinyoung, keeping his eyes trained to the brick building that's so close to Jinyoung's building that they could probably jump over to their fire escape without breaking much of a sweat.

"You never talk about her." Says Jinyoung, voice as soft as the wind.

"You never talk about Youngjae." Jinyoung looks at him then, bottom lip sucked into his mouth as he raises an eyebrow, a silent _touché_ passes between them. "I met her in high school. She was a year older than I was and we literally bumped into each other when we met and my numbers started counting down and hers did too and we didn't even question it. We just jumped right into it." Mark rubs his hands down his thighs and busies himself with other things, eyes looking everywhere but at Jinyoung. "It was good while it lasted, up until the last second- we were good. And then we woke up one morning and we looked at each other and there was just nothing. We couldn't feel anything, nothing at all, looking at her was like seeing a stranger and it just wasn't right anymore."

Reaching over, Mark takes his beer back from Jinyoung, drinking up half of it with a hefty gulp as he continues. Talking about her felt like shoving a searing hot needle straight through his heart. "She loved parties. She loved people, attention. She fed off people envying her, liked looking impeccable, beautiful, if every eye in the room wasn't on her when she walked in she would feel like she did something wrong and it'd take me days to put her back into a spot where she was okay with herself again. But, yeah. She'd drag me to every party she could and of course I'd go with her but they were never my thing. What I loved though, was seeing the way she absolutely sparkled when she had everyone's attention. When someone told her how beautiful she looked she'd smile so wide and bright and it would just- blow me away. Her smile was one of my favorite things about her."

Mark stops because he can't say anymore. Years and this is the most he's ever said out loud about her, even though she's always on his mind, even though he's never once forgotten a thing about her. He's never been able to just talk about her without it feeling unbearably painful and he was getting to that now- he figures he should quit while he's ahead.

They're back to quiet again and Mark welcomes it. It's never awkward with them in the silence, Jinyoung and him could sit in the same room all day and not say a single word to each other without there being and malice or discomfort in the atmosphere, not even the slightest bit.

"Um- Youngjae... he- uh." Jinyoung starts, barely audible above the howling of the wind as he looks down at his hands in his lap and picks at his nails self-consciously. It's as if Mark could feel Jinyoung's heart beating miles per second as he fidgets beside him and Mark knows what's running through his head like he's reading a transcript of the other boys thoughts.

"You don't have to tell me anything. If you're not ready, don't feel obligated to tell me anything, okay? We're good." Mark says, trying to comfort Jinyoung with his words as he narrows his eyes against the harrowing wind, finishing off his beer, "I get it."

Jinyoung sighs and it sounds like the weight of the world was just lifted from his shoulders as he sags where he's seated, hunching over. He doesn't say anything after that and Mark kind of wasn't expecting anything from him. After moments he reaches up and takes the cigarette from behind his ear, placing it back into the corner of his mouth and mouthing at the filter.

"You're meant to be quitting." Jinyoung says, breaking his streak.

"I am. I mean- my incentive has since lagged off a bit." Mark smirks, speaking around the cancer stick in his mouth.

Jinyoung reaches over, taking the white stick from Mark's mouth and holding it in his hand. His other comes over to turn Mark's face towards his keeping him still so that Jinyoung could lean in and press their lips together, the kiss soft and pleasant tasting of the night air and beer and Jinyoung's sweetness and Mark feels himself let go with it.

-

**April 2017**

April showers are tantamount to years of rain build up letting it go all at one moment, rain falling from the heavens relentless and punishing as time goes on.

The sound of the rain against the windows serves as Mark's background music as he lounges on his bed, reading through Jinyoung's most recent article, lip caught between his teeth.

Pipes creak through the walls as the shower is turned off and Mark knows there's only a matter of time before Jinyoung's joining him. He's been all through Jinyoung's essay twice looking for flaws or faults that he knows he won't find. It's good, all Jinyoung's work tends to be and this one is no exception. The guy had a way with words.

The door to the bathroom opens and Jinyoung comes through, rubbing at his hair with a towel and wearing a shirt that's Mark's and his own sweats. "What do you think?" He asks, hanging the towel up over the bathroom door and moving to lay down next to Mark, legs curled to one side.

"It's perfect, Jinyoung."

"Really?" Jinyoung asks, teeth gnawing at his lip, his eyes wide and question as he looks from the screen with his article to Mark's face. "It's not too pretentious sounding?"

"No. You sound like you know what you're talking about. Which is a good thing." Mark muses moving the computer from his lap and handing it to Jinyoung. "You've armed me in great detail with knowledge of the widening gap between the upper and middle class. I'm completely humbled now."

Jinyoung breathes out a little bit of airy laughter, scrolling through the page again before hitting submit and sending his article to his editor. "If he hates it-,"

"Fuck him if he does." Mark says and Jinyoung looks at him, eyebrows set in a frown as he smiles and shakes his head at Mark's choice of words, "hah. Not like _that_. I just mean you're going to be the editor of that magazine soon and his opinion won't matter. I think this piece could really throw you over."

"I hope so." Jinyoung mutters, closing the computer and setting it aside. He turns off the light on the nightstand and goes under the covers curling up on his side and facing Mark and Mark does the same, moving under the covers and turning on his side to face Jinyoung. "Thank you."

"Anytime, Jinyoung."

-

It's been raining non-stop for two weeks now and Jinyoung's been at Mark's apartment every night since.

He'd run out of clothes so he's been wearing Mark's shirts and slacks and Mark didn't mind. In fact, the first morning Jinyoung came out of the steaming bathroom buttoning up the front of one of Mark's shirt, Mark spilt coffee he was trying to pour from the pot all over the counters and both of them ended up late for work with the time it took to undo everything they had done by getting ready and making the bed only to do it all again when they were well worn out and done with their tryst.

Jinyoung's apartment was further than Mark's was to either of their jobs so Jinyoung was usually there most of the time anyway. But it felt nice having him be there sunrise and sunset (even though the sun barely shone through the rampant storm clouds the past few weeks) it was nice coming home to an apartment that wasn't empty, waking up to a warm body curled up beside him in his bed, going to sleep wrapped around one at night. He wouldn't know how to translate it from feelings to his words because he'd never been good at that in general and it confused him to no end but the hole in his chest that has never ceased to make itself known since his timed stopped at zero has fallen to the back of his mind, behind macros and codes and Jinyoung and how soft his ass feels beneath his fingers as the minx grinds down on his cock.

"I have to go, Mark." Jinyoung breathes against Mark's ear, but his arms don't move from where they wrapped around Mark's neck and he doesn't stop thrusting his hips against Mark's, their cocks rubbing together as Mark sighs.

"You're fucking insane if you think I'm letting you leave before we finish this off." Mark says, voice deepened by the moment and he's pretty sure there's finger shaped bruises on either side of Jinyoung's waist and scratch marks up and down his back.

Jinyoung moan, moving his hips fast, forehead pressed against Mark's flushed cheeks and their over heated skin sticking together everywhere they're touching. "I-I've gotta get clothes at my apartment. Can't keep using your underwear." He mouths at Mark's ear, sucking his earlobe into his hot as hell mouth drawing a groan out of Mark's bruised-from-kissing lips. Jinyoung moves his arms, hands grasping at the headboard of the bed behind   
Mark's back for leverage, Mark's fingers tightening on Jinyoung's body as Jinyoung uses the leverage to move his body faster and harder and draws Mark closer to the brink of orgasm.

Jinyoung sighing his need to come against Mark's collarbone is music to his ears and he nods, reaching to grasp at Jinyoung's hair and bringing his lips down to Mark's kissing him senseless, tongue breaking past Jinyoung's lips without the slightest bit of preamble and he tastes like cotton candy and skittles even though Mark knows how impossible that is because Jinyoung is deathly afraid of getting cavities and wouldn't go near those sugary enamel breakers. He's moaning into Mark's mouth and Mark knows when he comes because, well he feels the wetness on his own cock and the lower half of his abdomen, and because Jinyoung bites Mark's lip with his orgasm, jump starting Mark's and throwing him over the edge. "Fuck." Mark curses, the mixture of the pain and heated pleasure sending electricity through his dead veins. He continues kissing Jinyoung and it's pretty obscene and dirty, messy, Mark could taste blood passing between them but he doesn't pay it any mind as they pull away from each other, gasping for air.

"I have to go." Jinyoung says again, voice barely coming back to him fully as he leans his forehead against Mark's, closing his eyes.

"No, you don't. We'll start a load of laundry. You could have your own underwear back, even though I don't have a problem with you using mine. They look good on you." Mark smiles, thumbing at Jinyoung's lips, swollen and red from the ferocity of their last tryst.

Jinyoung breathes out a chuckle, fingers at the back of Mark's head, running through the strands of dark hair there. "I can't stay here forever."

"Why not?" Mark says, and he meant it as a joke but it comes out with a little bit of his heart in it. He looks down at Jinyoung's neck, at the marks he's left there, beginning to bloom red against his pale skin.

Shaking his head Jinyoung begins to move off Mark's lap, grabbing a couple of tissues from the box on the nightstand and cleaning himself off. Mark watches Jinyoung move across the room, and he isn't even looking at his ass. The hollow feeling is coming back and he rubs at his chest absently, reaching over to get his own napkins and do his own clean up job while Jinyoung puts his clothes back on, which should probably be a fucking sin. "You should move in." Mark says and he wants to take it back the moment he realizes that he's said that aloud. It's too late to take back now so he just wads up the tissues and throws them in the waste bin by his bed.

Jinyoung freezes and he knows that if there were a good time to take it back it would be now. Right fucking now, but his lips don't move fast enough and all the damage has been done anyway.

"What are you saying?" Jinyoung says softly, holding his (Mark's) shirt in his hand, voice incredulous.

"Nothing. I mean it's just- you're here all the time anyway. It's closer to work, I have an extra room." Mark shrugs, it sounds like a no brainer to him, like of course Jinyoung should move it. "I know it's isn't as big and high end as yours but it's convienent and you wouldn't have to be paying rent for a place you're barely at anyway."

Mark looks up and Jinyoung is looking down at the floor, eyes dazed and lost as he stands frozen in the middle of Mark's room. His jeans aren't even buttoned.

"Jinyoung," Mark says, getting up and grabbing another pair of underwear from the floor, pulling it on, "Jinyoung, I didn't mean to make you upset. It's just, it makes sense to me? I don't know. Just forget I ever asked okay? It doesn't matter." He places his hands on Jinyoung's arms and that seems to jump Jinyoung out of whatever reverie he was in, dark eyes flickering to Mark's.

"No. No, yeah. I mean- you're right. It makes sense." He says, lips barely moving as he shakes his head.

"Yeah?" Mark asks, searching for something in Jinyoung's expression that he doesn't find.

"Yeah." Jinyoung nods and he looks like he's trying to convince himself of something. He doesn't say anything else after that and Mark's hands travel to his face, thumb at his jaw, fingers wrapping around the back of Jinyoung's neck.

"Look, you don't have to think about it now. It's just an option, it's always open. But don't go tonight, okay? It's raining _really_ hard and I don't feel good letting you go out there all alone." Mark continues, leaning over to press their lips together again, building up to a slow, heady kiss. Jinyoung's hand comes up to cover Mark's on his neck, as soft as his lips against his own.

"Okay," Jinyoung says as he pulls away. "But we have to do that load of laundry."

"Yeah. Come on, we'll do it now."

**May 2017**

They don't talk about it until mid May.

Mark never thought bringing it up again would do them any good so he didn't and Jinyoung only seconded his thoughts when he never said anything about it either so it just worked out like that.

But Jinyoung's the one to bring it up next, one morning where the May flowers April worked so hard to bring about were abloom, the sun shining through Mark's living room window as he sat on his couch, scrolling through some forums on his iPad.

"I've been thinking about that thing you said last month. About me moving in," Jinyoung says suddenly, breaking the silence from where he was sitting on the lone arm chair a few feet away from the couch, legs curled up under him and his laptop balancing on the arm. He had his glasses on but he pulls them off as he looks away from the screen and at Mark, expression completely serious, not an once of apprehension in sight.

"Yeah?" Mark asks and he tries not to sound too surprised, placing his device down, "what about it?"

"I'd like to." Jinyoung says slowly, frowning at the rug on the ground. "If that's still an option."

"Of course it's still an option, Jinyoung. I'll clear out the second bedroom." Mark smiles so that he doesn't make this a big deal.

"Um, yeah. I mean that's fine but- if it's too much work I wouldn't mind if we, you know, _shared_. I'd just need some closet space... room in the medicine cabinet." Jinyoung's still speaking so softly and Mark knows that's usually his go to but he at least wants him to look at Mark, stop with the whole self conscious act already.

"You've already got all that. There's more of your clothes in that closet than mine." And Mark isn't even just exaggerating.

Jinyoung smiles, a small one but it's a smile in its own right, "it won't be all that different, will it? It's like I already live here anyway. Except I'll be helping you pay the bills now instead of freeloading."

"I never thought of you as freeloading, but yeah. Nothing will change." Mark promises. He knows how important it is that Jinyoung and him keep up what they've got going for the both of them. It was destructive, being alone with your thoughts all the time after losing a soulmate. Mark has heard the horror stories, the crippling depression that may ensue. There's news stories everyday of people throwing themselves off bridges, hanging themselves or crashing their cars because they couldn't find any other reason to live for after their numbers stared back up at them lifeless and blank. Jinyoung kept Mark sane and grounded and Mark knew that he did the same for Jinyoung. He remembered the lifeless shell he'd met all those years ago and he never imagined he was any better and they weren't too different from then now but at least they knew how to find comfort in one another and make that enough to live and take one day at a time.

"Sounds good." Jinyoung nods and he turns back to his computer screen.

"It does." Mark says back, picking up his iPad and commencing his scrolling. They barely say anything to each other for the rest of the time they spend sitting there, the silence companionable.

**June 2017**

Jinyoung hasn't been around for a couple of days and it was starting to worry Mark a bit more than he could ever admit he to himself.  

He'd tried calling and texts but they went straight to voicemail and stayed unanswered and Mark was growing restless. Jinyoung had only been supposed to be packing up his apartment to move into Mark's apartment and though Mark had offered to help, Jinyoung had declined, saying that this was something he had to do on his own and Mark didn't really get that but he let it happen.

The summer heat radiated from the sidewalk through Mark's sneakers as he walked up the path to Jinyoung's apartment building. He knows the code to the front door so he puts that in, bypassing the elevator and taking the stairs, he was only going up to the fourth floor and it'd be quicker than waiting for the death contraption to get to the first floor and bring him up.

When he gets to Jinyoung's apartment door he knocks even though he has a key, he wants to offer Jinyoung space if that's what he needs and barging in wouldn't be the smartest idea.

He waits for a few moments before he hears jostling on the other side and Jinyoung's voice coming through the wood door, "Jaebum, I told you I was fine-," he opens the door and he's standing there wearing an oversized sweater that Mark doesn't recognize and sweats. His hair looks all rumbled, stark contrast to how prim and proper he usually looks. Now he just kind of seems overused and tired, like even holding his head up involves using an immense amount of force. He's reminiscent of the Jinyoung of the past, the one he used to have to force words out of, the one who's eyes always looked dull and dead. The one who was hollowed out, who hurt Mark to see standing before him. "Mark."

Mark watches Jinyoung lean against the door, unsteady on his socked feet and he offers a smile, "hey, I've been trying to get in contact with you. Is everything alright?"

"Yeah, yeah. I'm fine," Jinyoung says and it's now that Mark notices the slur in his words, his bleary eyes. And he's giggling. Every other word he says ends with a giggle as he looks down, cheeks glowing red. "What are you- what are you doin' here? What day is it?"

"Sunday." Mark says softly, slowly. Jinyoung didn't drink much, never enough to get drunk- at least not since he's known him. He reaches out to touch Jinyoung's arm, walking into the apartment and holding Jinyoung up when he hasn't got the door to lean against anymore. "I've called you. Texted too."

Jinyoung giggles again, leaning against Mark, the door falling shut behind them as they continue on and Mark takes a look around, "I broke my phone. Well- I didn't break it. It broke by itself. I mean- I fell, and it broke." Jinyoung mumbles. Mark takes in the apartment and it's an absolute mess. There are boxes everywhere but none of them are full and the couch is gone, taken away by the person Jinyoung sold it to a couple of days ago, so Mark places him on the leather arm chair that's there, pushing his hair away from his face, ignoring the oiliness of it.

"Jinyoung. Why have you been drinking?" Mark asks, crouching in front of Jinyoung and falling under his hazy gaze.

Jinyoung stares at him for a bit, hand reaching out to touch Mark's cheek with one finger running down it to his jaw. "You're not him." Jinyoung says after all the silence that nearly split Mark's eardrums. Mark doesn't emote much at that. He can't, he knows who Jinyoung is talking about and he knows that he's not Youngjae. He knows that he'll never be Youngjae just like Jinyoung will never be Jessica. But it isn't the same because Mark isn't in love with Jessica anymore, he stopped loving her once his timer stopped counting down. He didn't love anyone- because he couldn't. He couldn't love Jinyoung just like Jinyoung couldn't love him because he was still very much in love with Youngjae and he always would be.

"Yeah," Mark nods, "I know, Jinyoung. I'm sorry that I-,"

"No. You don't get it. You're not him. You'll never be him. I wake up everyday since I lost him and I just wonder when it'll stop feeling like the day I lost him. Like my heart is breaking all over again and it's constant, Mark. It's all the time. And when I'm with you, I want it to be enough- I want this to be enough to not remember everything every single day like it's a DVD on rewind 24/7 but it's not. And all I do is remember. And all I do is hurt and I can't- I don't know how- this can't-," he's starting to breathe heavy, eyes collecting with tears as he crumbles apart under Mark's fingers, completely falling apart.

"Ssh, Jinyoung, ssh. I know," Mark soothes, caressing Jinyoung's skin gently and trying to calm him down with his touch even though he knows it won't be enough. He's breaking apart and Mark can't do anything to stop it and he feels so utterly useless, just sitting there holding a perishing Jinyoung in his arms as he shakes and sobs brokenly.

"I can't sleep whenever I'm here. I lay down in our bed and all I think about is how Youngjae could never fall asleep without me holding him. And we'd wake up tangled together in a knot with the blankets and I'd have a crick in my neck but I felt whole, a part of something bigger than myself. I don't feel anything now, Mark. I haven't felt anything in years, nothing but pain and just- just nothingness and I can't handle this by myself- I don't know how." Jinyoung wails, fingers grappling at Mark's shirt, surely wrinkling it but Mark doesn't spare that any mind as he holds onto the broken boy in his arms.

Mark lets Jinyoung cry, holding him tightly, rubbing at his back with gentle hands, fingers running through his hair. He gives it time, letting Jinyoung tire himself out, cries turning into sniffles as his hold on Mark's shoulder loosens. "You don't have to do this alone. That's why we're good together, Jinyoungie- that's why we work. I know I'm not him but we could rely on each other, right? We can use each other for strength. I feel worse when I'm not with you." Mark whispers the last part because he isn't sure if it's okay to say that out loud. He's never once admitted to himself that, not with words because again, feelings confuse him. But whenever he wasn't with Jinyoung, he did feel like it was harder to get through the day, harder to take breaths in that fill his lungs, harder to think about anything else but how empty he felt.

Jinyoung doesn't say anything and Mark wasn't expecting him to. He didn't love Jinyoung, he couldn't. But there was something there that brought life to his frozen heart whenever they were together and he couldn't just ignore that, he couldn't pretend it didn't exist.

"I feel worse when I'm not with you, too." Jinyoung says, there's still a waver in his voice and the breath he lets out later quivers but Mark just holds him closer. It's the closest thing to 'I love you' they'll ever get. _You make me strong_. Mark will take it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Part 2 ^_^ I really hope you guys continue to enjoy this series and read the last part. It should be up soon enough. Thank you reading and let me into your head. I want to know what you think :))


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